Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Sometimes, I Just Hold Him

I have three sons, 11, 7, and 4 years old.  My oldest is trying to figure out the difference between being a big kid and little kid.  My middle son is often caught in the middle of the world.  And my baby is like having a sour patch kid living in our home.

He's difficult on a good day.  And it's so hard for me.  Some days, I feel as though I could sit in the bathroom and cry for awhile wondering what I've done wrong.  Truthfully, sometimes I do.  Often times, it's easy to see all of the negative he brings into our day because it far outweighs the positive.  He is particularly mean to two people--Zander and me.  Zander gets the brunt of his physical meanness and I get the verbal assault.  

This is him being mad at me for asking him to get into his car seat.

It's heartbreaking as a mom to dislike your child.  Sometimes, I really dislike him.  

But then, he hugs me.  Like one of those big, giant, nearly-knocks-me-over hugs and he tells me he loves me.  And he gives me a kiss.  The only one of my sons that will willingly kiss his mama.  When he does, I just scoop him up and I hold him.

When he makes me so mad, I feel as though my blood is starting to bubble (really, it actually feels like that), sometimes, I just scoop him up and I hold him.  When he makes me cry, when he makes me laugh, when he's telling me nasty things, I just hold him.  When I glance over to see he's fallen asleep beside me, I almost forget that he was maddeningly difficult all day.  Almost.  :)

Just a few days ago, he woke up early and curled up with me.

But then, I gather him up and I hold him.  Because what else can I do?  He makes me feel so very angry sometimes and there are times I definitely question my abilities as a Mother, but as difficult as he is--I love him so much.  From the very second I knew he was going to be part of our family, I loved him.  The minute I held him, he had my heart.  We were instantly in love.  When I'm so frustrated that I feel like one more thing is going to break me, I want to remember that I asked for this child.  I prayed and begged for him and here he is.  

I pray that eventually his sweet side wins over the sour side.  Even if it doesn't, my love for him is as great as it was the day I first kissed his precious face.  I remind myself of that when I'm hiding in the bathroom and counting to ten.  

Our first picture together.

Moms, if you have a child who tries your patience to the very core, please know that I understand.  When he's screaming in your face while you quickly remove him from the store, you will get no judgement from me.  I've been there.  Instead, I say to you, "You are not alone and you are not a bad mom."  When you see me hightailing it out of Target while Jaxon is kicking me and biting my hand, please offer me the same grace.  I thank you in advance.  

He's a cutie!


So excited that you stopped by my blog today! I'd *love* your comments!