I hate it when Adam's not here. As an Army wife, I get my fair share of Adam's away time. For about a half a second, it's almost ok. The kids enjoy cereal for dinner, I get control of the remote, and for about five minutes I get to sleep in the middle of the bed. Jax always notices when Dad's away and soon finds his way into bed with me.
But then it's time to sleep. And I can't. The house is still and quiet, full of sleeping sons, and my mind finds its way down the path of worry. If I was ever given an alternate middle name it would be Worry. Nicole Worry McGhee. And when it's calm, quiet, and the middle of the night I seem to find that road rather quickly. With half of the bed empty (well, remember that preschooler I already mentioned), I feel as though I've lost my ability to close my eyes and go to sleep.
When I stay awake, I'm on night watch. If the kids need me, I'm available. If I hear a noise, I'm on high alert. I try to be still, be quiet, and I can't. The minutes turn to hours and I still can't sleep. I can feel my body weakening, my throat starts to hurt, my stomach aches...all signs that I'm physically tired. Still, sleep eludes me.
Because when my husband isn't here, it feels off. And I can't sleep.
So the minute hand on the clock ticks closer to three in the morning. I think of the school we need to complete tomorrow, go over any Scout projects the boys need to have ready for tomorrow night's Scout meetings, or what household tasks I need to finish...or start. But then those topics wear themselves out and I move onto other things like what color should I paint the playroom, do I need a new crate in which to keep the nerf darts, or did I turn everything off downstairs? (Side note: once you've been flooded due to an appliance malfunction, your brain thinks of all the appliances that will turn on you in the middle of the night and cause thousands of dollars worth of damage.)
Military wives, if you have Husband's Away Insomnia, I sympathize. I will think of you the next time I'm awake at 2:53 am and wonder if you're worried about how much milk is in the fridge or if you've locked the car doors...like I am.